The Evil Kitty Online

Hello there. Today I would like to talk about how you as a cat should treat your human beings. First of all, humans deserve your respect. Respect is a key component of the human-kitty interaction. If you don’t respect your human, who will? Also, humans do deserve a litttle bit of respect for filling your food bowl with yummy kitty food and changing your water. Some humans even give you a nice litter box and they clean it!

The best way to show your respect for your human is to allow your human to brush you, as well as give you lots and lots of catnip. Humans are silly creatures and they’re not very smart. So letting them do these important things willl make them feel important to you, and thus, they will live a healthy and long life.

Now you may be wondering, what about those “difficult” humans who need more love, care and attention? Well, you simply give them more! How hard is that to comprehend. Oh… you don’t know how? ok… lets see…

You can put your cute furry butt in your human’s face for kissies and cuddles. Your human’s self-respect and happiness is guaranteed to sky-rocket! All humans love to kiss a cute furry kitty hind-quarters…. They’re a bit weird like that. They just love making you feel all warm and cosy… It’s not as if it’s that great when they hug your delicate ribs or head… if they squeezed too much, you’d be in discomfort. Humans instinctively know this…. so they take great pleasure in huggling your butt.

Another great way to respect your human is to purr. However if you purr too much, your human will get annoyed. Your human will also value your purrs more if you make them work for it. The harder you make them work for it, the more happy they are when you make a little purr. This is beneficial to both of you as purring takes effort.

Have you ever seen your humans measure their weight on something called a scale? I don’t know about you, but my humans have this magic box where they lookk at other humans… sometimes there will be other animals… and sometimes it even has a cat in the magic box! Inside this magic box, most of the humans are very creepy and look like the female dentist that I hate the most in all of the world. Suprisingly, my humans think that they should look like this… and sometimes they go onto the scale to measure their weight.

Now my poor humans are a bit dumpy… except for the raccoon man. My humans have a nice bit of padding which is great to jump on… or dig my nails into…. it’s also awesome to bite!

Needless to say, my humans aren’t too happy to go on the scale to weigh in… so we have two scales…. and I jump onto the other one the same time when one of my humans use it. It’s great for that human! She gets moral support… I look at her and make a cute face…. and she just loves it…

So… My brethren…. try to think of ways which you can be of benefit to your human. For a happy human is one that lives longer to take care of you.