The Evil Kitty Online

My humans insist on keeping fresh houseplants around the house for me to chew on. They used to buy delicious catnip grass, but my habit got too expensive as I would mow the grass down. Eventually they stopped. Maybe they couldn’t get it again as catnip grass is a precious commodity. Very rare.

I chew on the leaves of houseplants around the house to aid in expelling my catfur that gets swallowed. On the unfortunate occasions that my fur passes through my digestive system to end up in my fecal matter, it is extremely hard to remove. ie sometimes there is a piece of shit attached to my butt by a piece of catfur and I have to drag my butt all over the floor to remove it. But don’t worry, I only do this in Rhea’s room.

Now then, I chew on the leaves of the plants, and then throw up. This is very satisfying as it makes everyone around me freak out and worry over me. Also I’m technically allowed to throw up wherever I want because apparently it’s not something I can control as throwing up is an involuntary thing.

Needless to say I usually find the most comfortable place in the house to throw up. Usually mostly where the humans congregate so that I can be comforted by their scent. And in the hardest place to clean up.

I have heard vague rumours circulating about in my lifetime about how you foolish cretins do not like cleaning the litter box. I’ve even been unfortunate enough to have certain members of my human family think it “icky” to clean my toilet box! I’ve also eavesdropped on conversations about it where some people apparently believe that me standing there, looking at them cleaning my litter box, making sure they do it right; is in actuality me, gloating that they’re cleaning up my fecal matter.

Now lets think about this for a moment here. Do I look like the type of kitty who would gloat about you doing something that is beneath you? Er, Scratch that. How do I scratch it out? oh well..

Right. Well anyways, think about it for a moment here. You humans use the water-box. That lovely water-box that gives delicious tasting water by the way. How would you feel if I absolutely insisted, on pressing the lever that makes water come down and flush away all that tasty water immediately after you did your business? Face it human. You’d stand to the side and watch in avid fascination as I did it.

There are many and varied reasons for me turning evil. One of them, is the way I am treated. With utter disregard for my feelings. I get rough-housed and people keep mussing up my fur, just running their fingers through and rumpling it up. I know that my fur is really nice, and soft, and totally touchable; but that doesn’t mean that I want you to pet me.

I suppose it’s all my fault really… I keep licking and cleaning my fur, keeping it spiff and span. I even lick my butt! However, I’m a cat. That’s what cat’s do. It’s ingrained in me! I just can’t stop doing it. For you techy types out there that still don’t understand.. it’s in my programming.

Another way of making my fur not touchably soft is to eat a less balanced diet. However, I have no choice in that matter. I wish I did.. but if I do not want to have to hunt for my own food, I’m going to have to eat the grub they put out for me.

It’s my special Kitty Food. I won’t say which brand, because they sometimes spice it up and change brands sometimes. However I get a nice set of dry cat-food, and I can go and eat it at any time I want! Can you imagine? An open ended buffet! And I don’t have to pay! it’s so amazing. I also get my water. WATER THAT TASTES SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE IN THE TOILET BOWL. But it’s water all the same. Also, Rachael is more apt to kiss me if she thinks I don’t drink from the toilet bowl.. so if you don’t tell…

Anyways back on to the reasons why I’m evil. I’m evil because I’m treated terribly! Once, when Rachael was in the bathtub, and I was a young-un, I was running all over the bathroom, batting at the suds that peeked out like crazy. She was like enveloped in white suds! it was so awesome. But then I slipped on the ledge.. and I FELL IN!!!!

And do you know what that dog Rachael did? She started giggling! There I was, half my backside covered in soapy water; you’d best believe I’d managed to scramble out of the tub, no help from Rachael at all… And she laughed at me! It was horrible! I licked myself dry, and swore never to go with her in the bathroom again.