The Evil Kitty Online

Rachael let me out of the house. I got to sun myself on the concrete. I also rubbed my fur all over it… She had to run outside and drag my furry butt back inside… that’s how nice the weather was outside.

My humans insist on keeping fresh houseplants around the house for me to chew on. They used to buy delicious catnip grass, but my habit got too expensive as I would mow the grass down. Eventually they stopped. Maybe they couldn’t get it again as catnip grass is a precious commodity. Very rare.

I chew on the leaves of houseplants around the house to aid in expelling my catfur that gets swallowed. On the unfortunate occasions that my fur passes through my digestive system to end up in my fecal matter, it is extremely hard to remove. ie sometimes there is a piece of shit attached to my butt by a piece of catfur and I have to drag my butt all over the floor to remove it. But don’t worry, I only do this in Rhea’s room.

Now then, I chew on the leaves of the plants, and then throw up. This is very satisfying as it makes everyone around me freak out and worry over me. Also I’m technically allowed to throw up wherever I want because apparently it’s not something I can control as throwing up is an involuntary thing.

Needless to say I usually find the most comfortable place in the house to throw up. Usually mostly where the humans congregate so that I can be comforted by their scent. And in the hardest place to clean up.

There are many and varied reasons for me turning evil. One of them, is the way I am treated. With utter disregard for my feelings. I get rough-housed and people keep mussing up my fur, just running their fingers through and rumpling it up. I know that my fur is really nice, and soft, and totally touchable; but that doesn’t mean that I want you to pet me.

I suppose it’s all my fault really… I keep licking and cleaning my fur, keeping it spiff and span. I even lick my butt! However, I’m a cat. That’s what cat’s do. It’s ingrained in me! I just can’t stop doing it. For you techy types out there that still don’t understand.. it’s in my programming.

Another way of making my fur not touchably soft is to eat a less balanced diet. However, I have no choice in that matter. I wish I did.. but if I do not want to have to hunt for my own food, I’m going to have to eat the grub they put out for me.

It’s my special Kitty Food. I won’t say which brand, because they sometimes spice it up and change brands sometimes. However I get a nice set of dry cat-food, and I can go and eat it at any time I want! Can you imagine? An open ended buffet! And I don’t have to pay! it’s so amazing. I also get my water. WATER THAT TASTES SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THE ONE IN THE TOILET BOWL. But it’s water all the same. Also, Rachael is more apt to kiss me if she thinks I don’t drink from the toilet bowl.. so if you don’t tell…

Anyways back on to the reasons why I’m evil. I’m evil because I’m treated terribly! Once, when Rachael was in the bathtub, and I was a young-un, I was running all over the bathroom, batting at the suds that peeked out like crazy. She was like enveloped in white suds! it was so awesome. But then I slipped on the ledge.. and I FELL IN!!!!

And do you know what that dog Rachael did? She started giggling! There I was, half my backside covered in soapy water; you’d best believe I’d managed to scramble out of the tub, no help from Rachael at all… And she laughed at me! It was horrible! I licked myself dry, and swore never to go with her in the bathroom again.